3 o’clock is what I have set my alarm for every morning that I have taken a test in undergrad. There is something peaceful about being awake and moving while the rest of the town is sleeping and dark. When people hear that I get up so early they are always shocked and never understand. I don’t wake up early because I have procrastinated and think I can cram the rest of the info in that morning before the test. I wake up that early to review the material I have already studied and to calm myself down before I sit down for the test.

While my 3 am habit has helped me to keep high grades throughout college, my system and methods failed me this summer. Organic Chemistry is such a hard class. I got my first C of college. But I’m okay with it. I worked HARD for that class. So while I didn’t excel, I put my best work in and I am happy with myself for how hard I tried. I am refusing to be upset about the grade.

BUT: receiving that C set me spiraling into a “woe is me, everything I have done recently has sucked” mindset.

So, I am going to list out each major thing that I keep dwelling on for having failed in the past few months. And then, I am going to let it go.

1. I paid $200 to take my boards and failed my boards by 2 points.
2. I got a C in organic chemistry.
3. I went to MEPS in an effort to join the Navy and got sent home bc my paperwork wasn’t done correctly by my recruiter and haven’t gotten to go back yet.
4. I submitted my applications and spent $400 on applications only to discover that the schools never received my applications because CASPA failed to verify my transcript and I didn’t know.
5. Once I got a couple of applications submitted to schools I was rejected from my 1st choice for PA school without even getting an interview: and the micro class that I am currently taking is now purposeless bc I was only taking it in case I got into this school. The other schools require a different Micro.
6. I haven’t gotten a job yet.
7. My house and car have been a mess for 2 months.

 

Well- that list is so much stress for me. But

1. If I would have passed my boards I would have quit trying to get into PA school by now.
2. I passed Ochem
3. If I was able to finish MEPS that day I would still be stuck with the horrible recruiter that I started with.
4. I didn’t even want to go to the schools I submitted my first applications too.
5. Maybe I am meant to be at a different school- and I will be better prepared for the other Micro class I have to take now.
6. If I already had a real job right now I would have to take off to be finishing Micro and I wouldn’t be able to accept all of the babysitting jobs I’ve been asked to do.
7. I have spent my free moments with my husband instead of cleaning- and my husband loves me no matter what our house and my car look like (this has been bc of Mary and Martha).

So- I am trying to look at the positives. Failing lol, but trying. Things could be so much worse. So here’s to continuing pressing on and doing better with the things ahead instead of being upset about the things behind.

 

Alisa

I struggle with deciding what I am meant to do with my life. I feel like I am supposed to have one thing that just calls my name loud and clear and I will be passionate about it and never have any doubts or regrets. I know that that is not actually the case- most people don’t find their passion and pursue it as a career, but I still want it. The people who know their passions are so lucky- but they are mutants. So rare to find. I feel like I have looked everywhere trying to find something that I love- but I just haven’t found anything that I am 100% in love with.

I know I like health-care- but do I really? Or do I just like the idea of health-care and the great salary? I know that I want to be a mom- in fact, that is the only one thing I am certain of. I want to have kids and raise them. But what will I do when they get older? I know I will be bored staying at home all the time. I have too much of an urge to have a purpose and something to do all the time. I love the idea of opening and owning a business- specifically a cafe- but I have no idea how to do that or where to even start, plus the fact that most small businesses fail and there are already so many cafes.

I write this as I sit in my study room at the library, 3 hrs away from taking a microbiology test. This morning I found out that the school that I wanted to attend for PA school is already waitlisting people and I haven’t even been contacted about an interview. WHICH, by the way- sucks. The CASPA is a dreadful process and I have had the worst time with it. I submitted my application the day the application process opened and was told everything was good- only to find out that it wasn’t in several ways. This caused the schools that I applied to not to receive my applications until ~now. Thus I haven’t even had the opportunity to be considered for a seat. I also am taking Organic Chemistry and Microbiology this summer solely in case I were to get into this program. So now I sit here studying for a test that I still need to do well on bc it is past drop period and I need to keep my GPA up- but I no longer need this class. The worst.

So this whole debacle has me thinking about what I really want to do with my life- because I honestly have no clue. And the uncertainty kills me. I want to be successful and enjoy work (you know how they say,  love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life) but how is this possible when I don’t even know what I really enjoy. I am tired of being in school (going on 6 yrs now) with nothing to show for it besides a piece of paper that says “bachelors degree with honors”- but this piece of paper doesn’t do much for me. I still don’t know what I want or who I am. I don’t even know where we will end up living or anything.

 

Going to end this post with the same uncertainty I started it with. but that’s okay… I don’t think I will ever figure my life out.

 

Wild Types: Cells that are “normal” and found in nature

Mutants: Descendents of a cell that does not successfully repair a mutation

 

 

 

Alisa

This afternoon I decided to treat myself by getting a car wash and using a coupon I had for DSW.  After I finished shopping, I came out and got in my car. I have a 2015 Ford Fusion hybrid, which runs on both electricity and on gas. It has a push start button and a backup camera. I can most definitely say that it is the nicest thing I have ever owned. But smart vehicles can be so frustrating! I pushed the brake, pushed the start button, and looked behind me to make sure it was clear to back up. A person walked behind my car and my car started dinging to let me know there was a person there. All of the sudden, my entire car stopped working. My accelerator pedal did nothing, pushing the start/off button did nothing, I couldn’t even turn my car off! Frustrated, I  called my dad to try and figure out if he had ever experienced this (he owned the car before me). He didn’t know what to do. So I called the service department of the dealership the car was from to ask if they knew what to do. They told me I would have to bring the car in so they could see what was wrong. I couldn’t bring the car in when I couldn’t turn it on/off or drive it! Mentally cursing my car and all electric cars everywhere, I got off the phone with them and tried a couple other things after reading the manual. Nothing worked. I sat in my car and cried- I was tired, frustrated, and didn’t want to spend the rest of my day sitting at a service dealership. I prayed in my frustration, thinking Lord please just let my car work. Just as I was about to give up and call a tow truck, my car shut itself down. I let it sit for a minute, then pushed the button. Everything worked perfectly.

Sitting in Starbucks 30 minutes later I began reflecting on my experience. How spoiled I am- to become impatient and annoyed after only 20 minutes of struggles. Struggles that arose because of my ownership of a super nice car. This is just one example of how impatient, selfish, and cynical I have been lately. I have been being rude to my sister-in-law and husband. I use them as my scapegoats and I take out everything that I am upset about on them. Mainly on my sister-in-law (she lives with us). And while she does do things that make sense to get upset about, I overreact. It started internally, then I started voicing my anger to Jesse and now I have been being mean to her.  I am studying pathology right now (well- I was before I got distracted writing this lol) and one of the words I have learned is idiopathic. Idiopathic is defined as a disease in which no causative factor can be identified.  My experience with my car was, to me, idiopathic- something was wrong with my car and I had no idea what the cause was. But my attitude and actions are not idiopathic.  There is a cause for them and it is distinguishable- I haven’t been prioritizing good things like my relationship with Jesus or being thankful. Instead, every time I have a negative thought or feeling I have been giving in to it. Using hurtful words to the people around me, being selfish and lazy. It is about time that I stop acting like I am unaware and incapable of controlling myself. Because I know that I can be better- I have a strong God behind me who wants me to love people.

So this post is simply my confession and vocalization to the world that I recognize that I have not been honoring my husband and I have not been acting or speaking in a manner that would please my Yahweh.

Lord, please forgive me. Help me to act better and think better. Help me to honor you in my thoughts, words, and actions. I love you and want to be more like you.

 

Alisa

Goals are hard to have. They make me hard on myself and upset when I don’t accomplish everything I want to. I am a very “check-list” type of person. I love my to-do lists, organized by when to do and when due. I strive to check as many things off as possible, thinking “when this is done, I will be at peace”. The thing is, I always have things to add to my list. And when I don’t have things to put on my lists, I feel aimless and restless. My lists give me purpose. I constantly need something to be doing, to be striving towards or working on or I feel empty. How sad is that? An empty life without a to-do list. It shouldn’t be that way. I am loved and saved by a big, all-powerful God. How little my to-do lists look at his feet. I am constantly convicted by the story of Mary and Martha. Jesus came to visit, and while Mary sat at his to feet to listen, Martha bustled around, cleaning up and preparing a meal for Jesus. Martha became frustrated with Mary for not helping, but Jesus reprimanded Martha, saying that Mary had chosen the one thing that was truly important.

So while I know that I will always be a list person, pushing myself as hard as possible, I am seeking to take refuge in my Fathers arms. It is okay to have nothing to do sometimes to do nothing sometimes. It is okay to take a break and rest. I am not defined by my failure to achieve the high unrealistic standards that I set for myself.

No matter the things I accomplish in life, or DON’T accomplish, my worth is defined in the king who died for me.

 

Hey All,

My name is Alisa and I am a college student with an urge to write.

This blog is an outlet for me.

Some words that inspire me are by Jordan Lee Dooley: